Mute Your Mama
DISCLAIMER: DON’T READ THIS IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY DISCUSSIONS ABOUT ABUSE AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE.
“I don’t understand why he wanted to hurt me. I was just a child”
These words spoken by a male patient echoed the sentiments of a myriad of my clients. Disclosures of past molestation, rape, physical abuse, and emotional abuse are frequently followed by a discussion of telling their mother or another adult only to have nothing done. In this age of increased awareness about sexual abuse we commonly hear about boycotting celebrities who have acted as predators. We see hashtags about muting people, yet they continue to receive media/social media attention. So why am I saying mute your mama? And when I say mama, I’m referring to grandmother, aunt, uncle, father, etcetera.
Mute your mama if she told you that it wasn’t nice to talk about things like that, instead of telling you it wasn’t your fault. Mute the people who didn’t want to believe that so and so would do something like that. Mute the person that made you move out of the house during your teens, and stayed with the abuser. Mute the people who think that abortion is wrong, made you hide your pregnancy resulting from incest, then took your baby away from you. You were 16 but your boyfriend was 23, mute the adult who thought that was cool. The person who didn’t pay attention to the fact that you suddenly went from being a happy child to one who was angry and looked empty, definitely needs to be muted. If you were told that you would be okay, and not allowed to talk about it: mute your mama. Mute the adults who knew that man was a pervert but somehow thought the next generation of children would be exempt from his abuse. Mute the woman who defends the man preying on boys….. SIDE NOTE: homosexuality is not synonymous with pedophilia. Mute yourself if you believe that. If you were raised with a children should be seen and not heard mentality which made you afraid to speak up, mute them.
These are the people who didn't protect children from further harm and are standing in the way of healing. I realize that parents can't be all seeing and all knowing, so I'm not blaming every parent with an abused child. But they are responsible for what happens in the aftermath. Children are left feeling worthless, confused, and not able to be successful in many aspects of life (jobs, relationships, self worth) because people silenced them. They carry secrets and pain into adulthood until it derails them, and they seek help as a last ditch attempt to save their lives. Then it's recommended that we screen for ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) and find ways to build resilience. But wouldn't it be better if they didn't have to cope with these situations to begin with?
Lastly one set of folks who need to speak loud and clear so everyone can hear them: the abusers/predators. Do they do disgusting things? Yes. Should they be punished? Absolutely. I don’t always agree with labeling them “a monster”. Sadly many of them were once victims too: people in their lives needed to be muted. If we don't know what corrupted their brains and morality, we can't figure out ways to stop abuse from happening.