Me and You, Your Mama and Your Cousin Too
"Me and you, your mama, and your cousin too"-Outkast, Elevators
Sexual abuse affects more people than we know (above quote used for emphasis). I can’t even begin to count how many people come to appointments with a history of molestation, date rape, rape and other forms of sexual abuse/exploitation. The #metoo movement empowers people to speak up about what happened to them. But then what? What do we do with that information? How do they move in this world?
Some continue to live shrouded in silence because just acknowledging that it happened brings about a level of devastation that can’t be described. Sadly this prevents people from achieving their full potential. Trauma is a meaner bitch than karma. Trauma tucks itself away in one’s subconscious, then BOOM! jumps out to shake things up. What does this look like? A person whose mother told her not to talk about being touched by an uncle, tried to block it out, but has problems being intimate with her husband when he does certain things. This is the 65 year old who appears to have it all together until having some health issues later in life then becomes undone, because the last time they felt so powerless was when they were 5 years old and being abused. Imagine trying to resolve something that ancient, not a cakewalk. In other instances the bitch is just plain unapologetic. Trauma causes people to live in fear. Keeps them from sleeping at night due to nightmares, or flashbacks of someone coming in their room. Causes them to develop highly dysfunctional ways of coping and interacting with others; adults throw temper tantrums in a variety of forms. With sexual trauma people sometimes rely upon their looks or a physical connection with others, much easier than emotionally relating at times. Sadly, some develop a tendency to abuse others. But underneath it all lives a brooding sense of feeling inadequate, angry, depressed, anxious, or lonely. Then the slap in the face, someone with the nerve to say “get over it”.
I focus on educating clients about the unrealistic expectation that symptoms will disappear overnight. Undoing 10+ years of dysfunction takes a while; it’s hard work. The wave of a magic wand won’t fix a life. Medications can help to an extent, but pills don’t give you skills. Good THERAPY is a key part of the process. My use of the word “good” was meant to differentiate from services provided by clinicians not following current literature and not promoting growth/healing/change. Attending weekly appointments for 2 years but still can’t cope the way out of a wet paper bag level situation. I’m NOT suggesting that the therapist is solely responsible for one’s lack of progress, but at some point an adjustment to the treatment plan is needed. And for those who resist THERAPY because they don’t want people all in their business, just try it, it’s really not that bad (yes, I’ve tried it in the past and got mad when they told me I didn’t need to be there).
A few words about perpetuators of abuse. Something traumatic probably happened to them at some point. Not an excuse, just possible causation. And for those who ask why Bill Cosby has been the only icon legally punished in recent years. I leave you with the words of one of my uncles: “he’s black ain’t he?”