Let Him Cry
"Lord I suffered through the years, and shed so many tears." 2 Pac
Working with male patients is hard. Working with men of color, super challenging (like the process of writing this blog LOL). The recent media coverage about R. Kelly lit a fire in me and served as my motivation for this piece. No, I'm not bent out of shape by what he's being accused of, my frustration lies in the people's tendency to minimize his history of trauma and how it shaped his behavior. I've heard people say he should know better, and that he out to be ashamed of himself. But hardly anyone says he needs treatment or therapy. But this isn't about him. My main question: why do we continue to treat men with mental health issues as if they have a character flaw? My second question: when is it going to be okay for little brown boys to cry?
I have a confession: I don't know firsthand what's it's like to be a man. But what I do know from working with them, living with them, reading books about them, listening to songs they write, and observing them is that it's hard as hell. They are born with the expectation that they possess superhuman strength and will someday be a leaders, providers, and protectors for the women (family members) and children in their lives. The suave machismo, the mighty Mandingo, or whatever image is culturally appropriate has ruined more than a few good men. How? By painting an image that men are only allowed to show happiness or anger as emotions. How many times have you heard someone say "boys don't cry", "stop acting like a punk", "suck it up", or something else along those lines? Boys are molested, beaten, see their mothers abused, lose their fathers and brothers to violence, and experience multiple forms of discrimination. But they better not let anyone know how sad or hurt they really feel. So they learn to suppress it. Now they're angry at everyone including themselves. {Side note: women please stop spoiling your sons by making them think they are the most precious thing in the world and can do no wrong. You're breeding narcissists by doing this}
Sorry for being cliche but hurt people, hurt people. Oh the masses of angry boys and men out fighting, robbing, killing, stealing, drinking, drugging, and womanizing! Let me not forget, he can't concentrate in class because there's so much on his mind; he gets labeled and placed in remedial classes or sent to special education. He acts out, gets sent to "detention" and is labeled as "bad". Where do you expect his bad self to end up when he's older? Detention center. Or let's consider option#2. He figures out a way to channel his frustrations into something constructive such as music, art, sports or academics. But he's still angry or hurt inside so does dysfunctional things, such as damage relationships or abuse others.
I wonder what would happen if people let them cry, asked them why they are sad, figured out why they are angry... And beyond that, accepting their feelings for what they are instead of reinforcing an unrealistic ideal of being invincible. What would happen if they could seek help without feeling worthless as if they've failed? I can't answer those questions, but I can say this with confidence: men cry in my office, and it's okay.